Things during the day that cause me to have a memory, image, physical negative response or flashback from the abuse I suffered during my life:
Getting dressed (must be like armor)
Accidentally touching my chest myself
Taking a shower
Cleaning the litter box
Washing clothes
Messy kitchen
Food, particularly comfort foods, and candy
TV shows (including news) that bring up missing or abused or killed children, spousal abuse, and custody battles.
Sports on TV, particularly football and golf.
The woods
The creek
Summer
Coke
Talking on the telephone, or just the telephone ringing
Being at the airport/on an airplane
School busses
Greyhound-type buses
Weight-loss shows
Diets
Children
Brushing my teeth
Washing my hair
Do you see some activities of daily living, here? This means that every day the residual effects from the abuse I suffered interferes with my daily life. First thing I have to do in the morning when I wake up is steel myself to deal with the inevitable triggers.
These are not all of the things that trigger me. I don't want to get into too many more, because it's a struggle just to write this.
And guess where I live? Surrounded by woods, with a creek. I really hate summer.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Drugs and me ...
The other night I took an oxycodone. I rarely take narcotics, for a few reasons. When I woke up in the morning, though, I remembered why I wished I took them more often. I had almost no pain or stiffness at waking. Of course, the pain returned later in the morning, as did the stiffness, but I'd been moving by then so it wasn't as bad as it can get first thing upon waking.
I don't get addicted to anything, I'm fortunate with that, so fear of addiction isn't one of the reasons I don't take narcotics. Hydrocodone and lesser meds don't work for my pain very much, but oxycodone does.
Thing is, there are a few things that come along with narcotics that irritate me. I understand the reasons for them, but it's annoying and up until now, not worth bothering with.
One is that you have to have a really good argument for your doctor to prescribe them.
Two, you instantly get labeled a drug-seeker by the doctor, the nurses, the pharmacy, etc.
Three, there are no refills, so you have to beg each month to get more.
However, I'm considering it now. It'd be good to be able to take one at night at bedtime so that I can get to sleep. Pain keeps me awake, even with sleep meds. Less pain allows me to get to sleep. Sleep is very much in need at this time.
Tomorrow, though, I have an appointment for psychiatric services. Perhaps they will change my meds. Lyrica is a possibility, but that's also a narcotic and a pain in the ass to get.
We shall see.
I don't get addicted to anything, I'm fortunate with that, so fear of addiction isn't one of the reasons I don't take narcotics. Hydrocodone and lesser meds don't work for my pain very much, but oxycodone does.
Thing is, there are a few things that come along with narcotics that irritate me. I understand the reasons for them, but it's annoying and up until now, not worth bothering with.
One is that you have to have a really good argument for your doctor to prescribe them.
Two, you instantly get labeled a drug-seeker by the doctor, the nurses, the pharmacy, etc.
Three, there are no refills, so you have to beg each month to get more.
However, I'm considering it now. It'd be good to be able to take one at night at bedtime so that I can get to sleep. Pain keeps me awake, even with sleep meds. Less pain allows me to get to sleep. Sleep is very much in need at this time.
Tomorrow, though, I have an appointment for psychiatric services. Perhaps they will change my meds. Lyrica is a possibility, but that's also a narcotic and a pain in the ass to get.
We shall see.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
I was asked recently what my Disability is. I'll tell you.
Imagine you have a job shared by 4 people. A job that requires some training. All 4 people have been trained appropriately, and all 4 people are diligent about professional work and ethics. That should go pretty well, right?
Imagine now that with those 4 people:
- Only 2 are fully trained, leaving 2 untrained.
- Only 2 have professional ethics (not necessarily the same two who are trained). One couldn't care less and 1 has other things on their mind (The Protector).
- One of them likes the job, not necessarily one of the trained people. One dislikes the job. One couldn't care less about having a job. One is only considering the emotional health of the others and trying to make sure the other 3 aren't stressed (The Protector).
- One is conscientious about being on-time, but this causes stress. The Protector tries to diminish stress by attempting to convince this one that being on-time is overrated. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
- One is having terrible personal issues with her boss, but is attempting to work things out in a professional manner. The Protector doesn't care about working things out and is instead trying to "take down" the boss emotionally and even professionally to "correct" the situation. No boss = no trauma.
- One is being stressed by paperwork that is piling up and a supervisor who doesn't care enough to pay enough attention to correct the issue. The Protector convinces this one, most of the time, that the paperwork can wait. And wait. For months even. The billing is being done, right? That's "all" that matters. Less paperwork = less stress.
How do you think this would work out? For me, it hasn't worked out very well in all the jobs I've ever had other than the first, which was working for my father. I'd thought I had this beat as I worked at the last job for 3 years, only to discover at the end that The Protector effectively got me fired by ensuring I had less stress.
These four people are in my head, as part of the Dissociative Identity Disorder. I cannot control them. In fact, the only one with true control is The Protector.
This served "us" (I will use us to indicate the whole Magic Bus system) very well growing up. The Protector ensured that he could take over the body and mind whenever he needed to protect us from trauma. He was and is able to suppress any memory he chooses, as it's happening. He was, and is, very capable of protecting us in many ways.
This protection is largely unneeded at this point; however, I am not capable myself of adjusting the behavior of The Protector. That will take a trained and skilled psychologist. (That will be interesting, because there is only one person The Protector trusts in the world (and can tell The Protector point-blank safely to shut up or back off, and he's the boyfriend and not a psychologist.)
So, that is my Disability. Dissociative Identity Disorder. Might it be '"fixed' at least to the point of good functioning in a workplace at some time in the future? Possibly, but we're talking 46 years of training for protection, and counseling a minimum of 8 different people in my head, all with different mental afflictions of their own. (Not everyone has PTSD, or depression, or anxiety, etc.)
I'm terrified of trying to get another job, especially one with any amount of responsibility for a person, like in the health or mental health field. Stress causes The Protector to come out and I can't stop him. (Ever tried to impose your will on another person so they behave as you want them to, move as you want them to, etc.? Let me know if you've ever been successful at that, truly.) He can stop me. He can Front or drive whenever he wants. His agenda is protection, not compliance.
This make work difficult. Compound that with my inability to pay for a psychologist, and you may see why this is a complicated issue.
If you don't believe in DID, join the club. There are certainly people who don't believe it exists. I just love the argument of it being rare, therefore I can't have it. Uh, rare means SOMEONE has it, so why am I not one of those someone's? Yeah.
All I know is that it's real to me. Conversations still occur that the person typing this has no idea have occurred. (That alone is very disturbing.) It's kind of like getting drunk and blacking out, I guess, though I've never done that (to my knowledge). And that's all I can say about most things. "I've never done/said that, to my knowledge." I don't know what's going on, what I'm doing in life, and that is nerve-wracking.
Is this Disabling? To me, it is very much. Do I think I deserve public assistance when I "should" be working like a good citizen? I don't know about deserve, but I know I need help. The government right now is able to provide that help more than my family is able, and I've put money into the system, so I think I should be able to get some back when I need some help.
And that's why I'm applying for Disability.
Imagine you have a job shared by 4 people. A job that requires some training. All 4 people have been trained appropriately, and all 4 people are diligent about professional work and ethics. That should go pretty well, right?
Imagine now that with those 4 people:
- Only 2 are fully trained, leaving 2 untrained.
- Only 2 have professional ethics (not necessarily the same two who are trained). One couldn't care less and 1 has other things on their mind (The Protector).
- One of them likes the job, not necessarily one of the trained people. One dislikes the job. One couldn't care less about having a job. One is only considering the emotional health of the others and trying to make sure the other 3 aren't stressed (The Protector).
- One is conscientious about being on-time, but this causes stress. The Protector tries to diminish stress by attempting to convince this one that being on-time is overrated. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
- One is having terrible personal issues with her boss, but is attempting to work things out in a professional manner. The Protector doesn't care about working things out and is instead trying to "take down" the boss emotionally and even professionally to "correct" the situation. No boss = no trauma.
- One is being stressed by paperwork that is piling up and a supervisor who doesn't care enough to pay enough attention to correct the issue. The Protector convinces this one, most of the time, that the paperwork can wait. And wait. For months even. The billing is being done, right? That's "all" that matters. Less paperwork = less stress.
How do you think this would work out? For me, it hasn't worked out very well in all the jobs I've ever had other than the first, which was working for my father. I'd thought I had this beat as I worked at the last job for 3 years, only to discover at the end that The Protector effectively got me fired by ensuring I had less stress.
These four people are in my head, as part of the Dissociative Identity Disorder. I cannot control them. In fact, the only one with true control is The Protector.
This served "us" (I will use us to indicate the whole Magic Bus system) very well growing up. The Protector ensured that he could take over the body and mind whenever he needed to protect us from trauma. He was and is able to suppress any memory he chooses, as it's happening. He was, and is, very capable of protecting us in many ways.
This protection is largely unneeded at this point; however, I am not capable myself of adjusting the behavior of The Protector. That will take a trained and skilled psychologist. (That will be interesting, because there is only one person The Protector trusts in the world (and can tell The Protector point-blank safely to shut up or back off, and he's the boyfriend and not a psychologist.)
So, that is my Disability. Dissociative Identity Disorder. Might it be '"fixed' at least to the point of good functioning in a workplace at some time in the future? Possibly, but we're talking 46 years of training for protection, and counseling a minimum of 8 different people in my head, all with different mental afflictions of their own. (Not everyone has PTSD, or depression, or anxiety, etc.)
I'm terrified of trying to get another job, especially one with any amount of responsibility for a person, like in the health or mental health field. Stress causes The Protector to come out and I can't stop him. (Ever tried to impose your will on another person so they behave as you want them to, move as you want them to, etc.? Let me know if you've ever been successful at that, truly.) He can stop me. He can Front or drive whenever he wants. His agenda is protection, not compliance.
This make work difficult. Compound that with my inability to pay for a psychologist, and you may see why this is a complicated issue.
If you don't believe in DID, join the club. There are certainly people who don't believe it exists. I just love the argument of it being rare, therefore I can't have it. Uh, rare means SOMEONE has it, so why am I not one of those someone's? Yeah.
All I know is that it's real to me. Conversations still occur that the person typing this has no idea have occurred. (That alone is very disturbing.) It's kind of like getting drunk and blacking out, I guess, though I've never done that (to my knowledge). And that's all I can say about most things. "I've never done/said that, to my knowledge." I don't know what's going on, what I'm doing in life, and that is nerve-wracking.
Is this Disabling? To me, it is very much. Do I think I deserve public assistance when I "should" be working like a good citizen? I don't know about deserve, but I know I need help. The government right now is able to provide that help more than my family is able, and I've put money into the system, so I think I should be able to get some back when I need some help.
And that's why I'm applying for Disability.
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